So ladies and gentlemen, Something was keeping me awake last night, was it the the thought of world hunger? the plight of the Panda? or the Double Vodka and Redbull i had before i went to bed? (I find alcohol solves all the worlds problems and eases my very small conscience) And so I got thinking about my blog, had I been to harsh on the people I see daily on my commute to work? Then I thought no, they are shit stains on the underwear of life. But I came to the conclusion that no matter what I write nothing could ever do them the true justice they deserve. So I have collected a few pictures, that i believe accuretly represent a good cross section of the people i get on the bus with, so you can make your own judgements ( I am not usually one to fill this ‘blog’ full of pictures, because frankly I am lazy and can’t be bothered, but I decided I would make an extra special effort)…enjoy
David started at out company a couple of months before I did. He was the first thing I saw when I walked in. I thought he was the janitor, he was dressed like a homeless person, and smelt like a homeless person who had shit himself, then rolled around in a bucket of sweat. After approximately 7 minutes I realised that his actual job was as a potted plant. David or ‘Dave’ as he liked to be known has the personality of a brain Damaged gold fish, he was so far removed from reality I am not sure if he had an active imagination, or he was on meth. We never really got close, mainly because of the stink, but also because we had nothing in common. He was the type of person that wrote his name on all his office stationary, who would be anal about your time keeping, even though he was not the boss. I received a couple of warnings for taunting him, one was Sticking all his beloved stationary down with super glue and laughing so hard I had to open the window for fresh air. Dave’s main skill was wearing shirts the same colour as the office walls, he is also an expert at sitting very still. Before he started working with me he held a variety of positions including standing, crawling lying down and standing on tip-toes.Dave once saw a horse. Dave’s favourite sport is Jenga; His favourite music is that which he creates himself by humming and clapping.
Anyway, Dave is currently single, but hopes one day to marry his mother because she has ‘childbearing hips’.
Dave has been single since he was dumped by his girlfriend, after she ran off with her ski instructor while on holiday in the French Alps. I know this because Dave confided in the office gossip that he was having ‘relationship issues’ so everyone knew with n the hour that she had slept with a sexy French ski instructor.
I have never been skiing. Speeding down a mountain, probably drunk, towards big rocks, while posh people high five each other, while saying woo, is something that surprisingly, has never appealed to me.
Dave has been even more miserable than normal due to the “incident”. I have had enough and decided I have to do something about it. Internet dating is all the rage, so I have signed Dave up to a couple, and over the next few weeks ill be posting conversations I have as Dave. The profiles I set up will go something like this…. He is on Tinder already…
First name: David
Surname: Will not give away that information for security reasons
Star sign: Glotten, the dyslexic elf.
About: Non-Smoker with cuddly body type
Details:35 year old male, 6′ 1″ (185cm), Religion is stupid
Intent: Looking for a relationship 1 hour a day, don’t be so clingy
Personality: Sith Lord
I am Seeking a: Woman or a woman like Ork
For: Some loving
Do you drink?: Yes I brew my own cider, its the best in Leeds
Marital Status: Single
Do you do drugs? If I have a headache I take some Paracetemol
Pets: A Few spiders in my Basement, named Paul, John, Ringo and Steve. Head lice.
Hair Colour: Labrador blonde
Do you have a car?: No I have a push bike, with a roomy basket and a bell
Do you have children? Probably
Longest Relationship: Always been a player
How ambitious are you? I want to rule the earth and one day I will, come join me and be my queen
Turn ons: Vengaboys, Bill Shatner, room temperature, flicking light switches in a smooth motion. Getting my hair ruffled by a cool northerly breeze.
Turn offs: long queues at the post office
Eye colour: Hypothermia blue
My ideal woman: I am into many different types of women, all colours and races considered. The only exception is Asian women, I find them hot when they are young, but they don’t age well. I am preferably looking for women with 7 piercings in each, a slipknot tattoo between her toes, but I can be flexible with the amount of piercing pers ear. I love toast, I get through around 2 loafs a day. It’s real toast, slightly burnt. I need someone who can make toast, not just warm floppy bread that someone has just sat on. I do not want anyone who just wants to use me for my body!
Weird Crush: Des Lynam
Strangest experience: Being robbed by a pre-op transsexual.
Favourite sexual position: The risk. Where you look at your porn after your mum says your dinner is ready, trying to climax before she come up stairs because she thought you didn’t hear her.
Favourite way to relax: Some loud death metal, a bath with candles and Lavender infused bubble bath so help me from a stressful day dragon slaying.
I’m Dave,I love world of war craft, I love the fantasy aspect, I have such a vivid and creative imagination, my favourite character is Dobbie the house elf. But in the free hour a day I have after I have finished slaying the evil Voldermort, I would like someone to stop me being bored. The photos prove I live a fit and active life style. I am never short of female attention, I kiss lots of women. Sometimes we eat pizza and debate which is better, Star Wars or star trek? But as we all know it is Star Trek, only and idiot would like Star Wars, but mostly we kiss. I have been told my beard and moustache tickles when I kiss, which the ladies love, my breath smells of pizza, and who doesn’t love pizza? I love the beach and was probably a jellyfish in a past life. I like to go to the gym at least once a week, as my dad works there stocking vending machines. I love German cinema, my favourite German title is currently ‘Gunter does Dortmund’ I have not managed to finish it yet as my mum does not go out much. I get many offers so you have to do something very impressive to stand out, and many girls becoming infatuated with me so quickly. Often a girl would tell me that she would rather have her arms ripped off than live with out me.
Everyday I go for a hundred mile jog along the beach and swim back. I have been asked to do male modelling, but I am to busy jogging swimming and having lots of girlfriends who I kiss. I do not want to be responsible for girl buying the magazine and having her boyfriend turn homosexual. I did have a cat named Hermione, but she is no longer with us bless her soul, but her memory still lives on, I had her stuffed, after I took a part time taxidermy course on YouTube. She has pride of place on my mantelpiece.
My ideal first date: My idea first date would be meeting at the KFC of your choosing. We would both be wearing a red rose, so I knew who you were. We would share a Bargain bucket with extra gravy, on a quite table surrounded by candles, I would pay my half. We would get our laptops out and battle it out to the death as Level 52 hobbits. The winner would make breakfast in the morning. If I lost I can safely say my mum will make us the best eggs in town, although you would be expected to wash the dishes after, it’s not a hotel.
“She only blinks with one eye” “Erm I think she’s winking bedders”
” Lou Bega sang ‘mango number 5″
“the Sopranos is about some Mexicans”
“What’s the plural of Doritos?”
Me: “it’s @brianblessed” Her : “is that the fish finger man?” Me “no Bedders that’s captain Birdseye”
“Why did they never make Titanic 2?”
Types of Cockblockers Explained (So you know how to identify and Avoid)
1. The Gay Friend
In the Football, there’s a reason why you never trade a player to a team you’re going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you’re going to try, and he’s going to tell the other team, and suddenly you’re losing 3-0 in the 80th minute, and you’re standing on the sidelines thinking, “how the f*ck did this happen?” The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing: to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their butt. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn’t catty and backstabbing, because he’s not trying to go for the same wiener that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you’ll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.
2. The Straight Male Friend
Every girl has a male friend who she’s not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to f*ck her. He’s probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He’s fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she’ll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he’s like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante’s Peak, and you’ll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road: just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it.
3.The Man Hating Friend
There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., “The Rosie O’Donnell”), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from banging their friend. Man-haters are typically fat and ugly, and they live by one simple rule: “if nobody wants to f*ck me, then no one is f*cking you, either.” They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun “we” frequently. “We want to be left alone”, “we didn’t ask you to sit down”, and “we’d like three orders of nachos” are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to: “I’m fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won’t be the only one who doesn’t get f*cked tonight.”
4. The Girls Night out Group
Like a sexy lesbian pillow fight, it was decided long before this night started that men were not even going to be involved in the equation. The “Girls’ Night Out” group is sure to have at least two members who’s sole purpose is to block cocks like they’re the Stealer’s offensive line. This night has been advertised and discussed within the group all week, and the last thing any girl wants is to be the one that strays from her “Girls’ Night Out” friends to talk to you. If you do manage to somehow make it past the initial layer of Cockblockers and pull one away, there’s no chance in hell you’re taking her home. The girls in a “Girls’ Night Out” group think like Soldierss: they’re all going in together, and if anybody tries to f*ck one of them, the rest of them are going to beat the shit out of him.
5.Your Drunk Friend
Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he’s acting Stupid, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you’ll be considered guilty by association. You’ll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, “Oh, man.Brian is really going to town tonight. He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren’t my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a basket when I was two, I’d probably want to get pretty smashed, too. The fact is, I’m the only family he has left now.”
6. Your Drunk Self
Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie: in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like “This has become embarassing. We should just go.” When you’re that drunk, or what I like to call “Reindeer Games wasted”, you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far. The girl you’re sloppily talking up might say something like, “Yeah, my girlfriends and I come here a lot,” to which you’ll respond: “Ha! I usually come in my fuggin’ bafroom, you know watta I mean? Haha! Talkin’ ’bout jerkin to the off. Get it?”
7. A Baby
The sound of a baby crying will instantly make a Fanny dryer than a 1980’s BBC sitcom. If you’ve made it all the way back to your prospective lady’s apartment to find that she’s got a little one sleeping at home, your best bet is to take the Benny Hill approach: put on some soft music and speed things up as quickly as possible, because once that baby wakes up and starts crying, you’re defenseless. It’s like Lebron James: it can’t be stopped, and there’s no way