My former employer

I got bored and decided to send an email to my former employer Kaplan, pretending to be a rambling old man making a complaint: (all company email addresses I have erased)

———- Forwarded message ———-

From: <jackkanoff@yahoo.com>

Date: Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Subject: Fw: Mislead!
On Wednesday, 20 July 2016, 18:50, “jackkanoff@yahoo.com” <jackkanoff@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Kaplan (If that’s what you are really called)

 

I would like to formally lodge my displeasure with your company.

 Recently the wife and I have been having certain marital problems; I won’t bore you with the full details, but suffice to say it is in the bedroom department.

 Anyway to fill the long lonely nights, the wife suggested we get a kitten. I wasn’t overly keen at first, I mean, the reason that we didn’t have children is because we didn’t want faeces and vomit all over the house (My stomach turns just thinking about it). But the old ball and chain slowly wore me down and reluctantly, I agreed.

 Anyway, my good lady wife had heard your name mentioned somewhere, so we popped into town to see if we could find a feline we liked. Suffice to say you could not  begin to imagine our disappointment when we arrived after travelling almost 8 hours from the total paradise that is Nuneaton , only to find you supplied books for accounting nerds. My wife had sworn on her grandmas eyes, that your online ad had said ‘cat land’

 My wife was inconsolable at the news. It was particularly hard when you consider the fact that my wife is disabled, she has uncontrollable narcolepsy. I find her condition is particularly bad when it’s time to go see my mother, for her famous Sunday roast (I particularly love her carrots, roasted in butter and chocolate spread, delicious. I had lunch with her recently, during which I tasted the most interesting vegetable, from what I recall its name was ‘sellary’. It was rather unusual, but nonetheless, delicious. I would very much like to procure some of this ‘sellery’ and would be most grateful if you could provide me with a list of stockists)

 I myself, also have a serious medical ailment, I have one foot bigger than the other, and I don’t just mean half a shoe size, I mean one is a 5, the other is a 10, The ‘yoof’ of today stare at me, but I am used to it now. It makes it extremely difficult to get life insurance both Lord Telmer and Lady Pelving are at a loss.

 I had to take her for a very expensive lunch at ‘restaurant’ called Nando’s just to calm her down and stop the mild panic attack she was having, luckily I always carry a paper bag for such a crisese and I had not budgeted for such an eventuality.

In hindsight, taking her to a chicken restaurant was not the greatest idea as she is one of those vegetabletarians. This ‘Nando’s’really should be more clear in their signage, but that is an argument I will take up with them another day.

 Suffice to say I will be sending a bill of expenses in due course. Also suffice to say although my wife’s emotional distress may never disappear fully, thanks to your poor branding; the introduction of Shaniqua the Chinchilla has helped to take the edge off somewhat. 

It also gives me space to partake in my passion, table tennis; I am a table tennis nut! I play about 4 hours of everyday of the week, every month of the year (except November), every year. I just love it! It’s such a wonderful little game don’t you think?

 I am also looking to go into business. I am planning on setting up a gambling den at my premises within the next few months. I am aware that competition is strong, and have been thinking long and hard as to my ‘way in’ and now I have it! I plan to open a very first gambling den that will corner one area of the market that has been, until now, completely untapped: the under 16s!

 On a side note, my cousin Larry is looking for some ‘snazzy’ head gear for his first trip away with scouts. He is utterly convinced that you are a retailer of so -called baseball caps and you are called ‘Cap land’. He has promised to pop in this week. Please let him down gently.

 I look forward to hearing from you,

 

Best wishes

 

 

Jack Annoff 

 

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No matter what I write, I could never do it justice

No matter what I write, I could never do it justice

So ladies and gentlemen, Something was keeping me awake last night, was it the the thought of world hunger? the plight of the Panda? or the Double Vodka and Redbull i had before i went to bed? (I find alcohol solves all the worlds problems and eases my very small conscience) And so I got thinking about my blog, had I been to harsh on the people I see daily on my commute to work? Then I thought no, they are shit stains on the underwear of life. But I came to the conclusion that no matter what I write nothing could ever do them the true justice they deserve. So I have collected a few pictures, that i believe accuretly represent a good cross section of the people i get on the bus with, so you can make your own judgements ( I am not usually one to fill this ‘blog’ full of pictures, because frankly I am lazy and can’t be bothered, but I decided I would make an extra special effort)…enjoy

The usual dress code #onlyintheUK

The sugarbabes have let themselves go a bit! #onlyintheuk

Sometimes you do not need to say anything! #truelove

she has added a scarf!

Kitty is hungry! #onlyintheuk

awww a very close family

photo7

Hands up who is a virgin?!

Weight watchers works a treat!

What a average UK family looks like #onlyintheuk

Good Luck!

For fucks sake!

erm...you don't

I love my brother too! #onlyintheUK

Bonny and Clyde have nothing on these two!

True Love

Maybe because he killed 6 million Jews??

Oink

Another day another dollar

wasted!

yes blood! from the mean streets of...Barnsley

I do love a good KFC

I would be annoyed too if my wage had not come through...tramp

good old ASADA

photo25 photo26

If only....

British Logic

Daves first POF message

So Dave has sent his first message on Plenty of Fish, wish him luck!

daves first messagejemmyfirst message

‘Dave’ does dating continued….

So Dave is now on the Plenty of Fish dating site…form a queue ladies!

dave the sexy ewok 1 dave the sexy ewok 2

‘Dave’ Does dating

David started at out company a couple of months before I did. He was the first thing I saw when I walked in. I thought he was the janitor, he was dressed like a homeless person, and smelt like a homeless person who had shit himself, then rolled around in a bucket of sweat. After approximately 7 minutes I realised that his actual job was as a potted plant. David or ‘Dave’ as he liked to be known has the personality of a brain Damaged gold fish, he was so far removed from reality I am not sure if he had an active imagination, or he was on meth. We never really got close, mainly because of the stink, but also because we had nothing in common. He was the type of person that wrote his name on all his office stationary, who would be anal about your time keeping, even though he was not the boss. I received a couple of warnings for taunting him, one was Sticking all his beloved stationary down with super glue and laughing so hard I had to open the window for fresh air. Dave’s main skill was wearing shirts the same colour as the office walls, he is also an expert at sitting very still. Before he started working with me he held a variety of positions including standing, crawling lying down and standing on tip-toes.Dave once saw a horse. Dave’s favourite sport is Jenga; His favourite music is that which he creates himself by humming and clapping.

Anyway, Dave is currently single, but hopes one day to marry his mother because she has ‘childbearing hips’.

Dave has been single since he was dumped by his girlfriend, after she ran off with her ski instructor while on holiday in the French Alps. I know this because Dave confided in the office gossip that he was having ‘relationship issues’ so everyone knew with n the hour that she had slept with a sexy French ski instructor.

I have never been skiing. Speeding down a mountain, probably drunk, towards big rocks, while posh people high five each other, while saying woo, is something that surprisingly, has never appealed to me.

Dave has been even more miserable than normal due to the “incident”. I have had enough and decided I have to do something about it. Internet dating is all the rage, so I have signed Dave up to a couple, and over the next few weeks ill be posting conversations I have as Dave. The profiles I set up will go something like this…. He is on Tinder already…

I love American Things

Me and my buddies like to hang out and pretend to be cowboys


Water Skiing

I lead a very active life style, i came 6th in the UK water Ski championships


Punk Days

I used to be a punk, i was the coolest kid in school, but i spent a fortune on hair gel and had to take a second job.


Gym

I like to keep fit by attending the Gym regularly


Beach days

I like to relax by going to the Beach and whale watching


I am a mega film buff, my favourite film is  Sex and The City 2. I also love cake

I am a mega film buff, my favourite film is Sex and The City 2. I also love cake

First name: David

Surname: Will not give away that information for security reasons

Star sign:  Glotten, the dyslexic elf.

About: Non-Smoker with cuddly body type

Details:35 year old male, 6′ 1″ (185cm), Religion is stupid

Intent: Looking for a relationship 1 hour a day, don’t be so clingy

Personality: Sith Lord

I am Seeking a: Woman or a woman like Ork

For: Some loving

Do you drink?: Yes I brew my own cider, its the best in Leeds

Marital Status: Single

Do you do drugs? If I have a headache I take some Paracetemol

Pets: A Few spiders in my Basement, named Paul, John, Ringo and Steve. Head lice.

Hair Colour: Labrador blonde

Do you have a car?:  No I have a push bike, with a roomy basket and a bell

Do you have children? Probably

Longest Relationship: Always been a player

How ambitious are you? I want to rule the earth and one day I will, come join me and be my queen

Turn ons:  Vengaboys, Bill Shatner, room temperature, flicking light switches in a smooth motion. Getting my hair ruffled by a cool northerly breeze.

Turn offs: long queues at the post office

Eye colour: Hypothermia blue

 My ideal woman: I am into many different types of women, all colours and races considered. The only exception is Asian women, I find them hot when they are young, but they don’t age well. I am preferably looking for women with 7 piercings in each, a slipknot tattoo between her toes, but I can be flexible with the amount of piercing pers ear. I love toast, I get through around 2 loafs a day. It’s real toast, slightly burnt. I need someone who can make toast, not just warm floppy bread that someone has just sat on. I do not want anyone who just wants to use me for my body!

Weird Crush: Des Lynam

Strangest experience: Being robbed by a pre-op transsexual.

 Favourite sexual position: The risk. Where you look at your porn after your mum says your dinner is ready, trying to climax before she come up stairs because she thought you didn’t hear her.

 Favourite way to relax: Some loud death metal, a bath with candles and Lavender infused bubble bath so help me from a stressful day dragon slaying.

I’m Dave,I love world of war craft, I love the fantasy aspect, I have such a vivid and creative imagination, my favourite character is Dobbie the house elf. But in the free hour a day I have after I have finished slaying the evil Voldermort, I would like someone to stop me being bored.  The photos prove I live a fit and active life style. I am never short of female attention,  I kiss lots of women. Sometimes we eat pizza and debate which is better, Star Wars or star trek?  But as we all know it is Star Trek, only and idiot would like Star Wars, but mostly we kiss. I have been told my beard and moustache tickles when I kiss, which the ladies love, my breath smells of pizza, and who doesn’t love pizza? I love the beach and was probably a jellyfish in a past life. I like to go to the gym at least once a week, as my dad works there stocking vending machines. I love German cinema, my favourite German title is currently ‘Gunter does Dortmund’ I have not managed to finish it yet as my mum does not go out much. I get many offers so you have to do something very impressive to stand out, and many girls becoming infatuated with me so quickly. Often a girl would tell me that she would rather have her arms ripped off than live with out me.

Everyday I go for a hundred mile jog along the beach and swim back.  I have been asked to do male modelling, but I am to busy jogging swimming and having lots of girlfriends who I kiss. I do not want to be responsible for girl buying the magazine and having her boyfriend turn homosexual. I did have a cat named Hermione, but she is no longer with us bless her soul, but her memory still lives on, I had her stuffed, after I took a part time taxidermy course on YouTube. She has pride of place on my mantelpiece.

My ideal first date: My idea first date would be meeting at the KFC of your choosing. We would both be wearing a red rose, so I knew who you were. We would share a Bargain bucket with extra gravy, on a quite table surrounded by candles, I would pay my half. We would get our laptops out and battle it out to the death as Level 52 hobbits. The winner would make breakfast in the morning. If I lost I can safely say my mum will make us the best eggs in town, although you would be expected to wash the dishes after, it’s not a hotel.

Things my girlfriend has said this week….

“She only blinks with one eye” “Erm I think she’s winking bedders” 

” Lou Bega sang ‘mango number 5″

“the Sopranos is about some Mexicans”

“What’s the plural of Doritos?”

Me: “it’s @brianblessed”  Her  : “is that the fish finger man?” Me “no Bedders that’s captain Birdseye” 
“Why did they never make Titanic 2?” 

My blog highlights

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/03/22/working-9-to-5-ish-2/
https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/03/28/arguing-is-healthy-in-a-relationship/
https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/bus-wanker-2/
https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/daves-first-pof-message-2/
https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/dave-does-dating-3/
https://roman853.wordpress.com/2015/02/04/in-my-defence-4/

A Dave update

Hello,

So this is a brief update on Dave’s dating attempt, I will keep it short, Dave has been banned from POF and Tinder. Poor Dave

Here is the message that got him kicked off…

pof

Thanks for reading my bitter and twisted rants

Even if i do hate the general public i will be your best friend forever and ever if you have a quick read of my rants.

My crossed eyed cat Freddie.

My crossed eyed cat Freddie.